I have no doubt that if Jeff Foxworthy moved to Tabernacle , NJ he would have tons of material for his You Might be a Redneck if comedy routine he does. I have added some that I have personally seen and experienced.
You might be a Redneck if.... you meet all of your new neighbors for the first time due to animal discussions.. specifically chiggers, dead horses and rabid raccoons.
You might be a Redneck if...... when you meet your neighbor and he informs you there is a rabid racoon running loose and if I should happen to hear a loud bang - not to worry - it was him offing said racoon.
You might be a Redneck if......the heater repair man tells you your other neighbor had a dead deer in his yard and tied a rope to it and drug it into the woods across the street to get rid of it.
You might be a Redneck if ...the same guy tells you after he was done he soaked the rope in bleach ( instead of throwing it out ) to get the blood off of it!
You might be a Redneck if - you take the kids to the bus accompianed by 6 guinea hens and a chicken.
You might be a Redneck if - you get a bird in the sunroom while trying to scoot it OUT have to fight to keep guinea hesn from coming IN.
Finally you might be a Redneck if you happen to enjoy all these adventures!
Friday, November 14, 2008
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Life in Podunk
As many of you know, I have been really ill for the past 3 weeks. Those of you who where lucky enough to be here the weekend before Halloween got to see me coughing and gagging in person. I went on my annual trip to ER right after that and a week later was still not better so I broke down and went to my doctor. He thinks I probably have Whooping Cough - WHAT?!?
Yes true to the Shearer/McGorvin names I bear - I have once again got something unusual. My doctor did one of those very sophisticated tests where he stuffed a two ft swabby stick up my nose and touched my throat. Supposedly that's the Whooping Cough test and we now wait for the cultures. ( stupid me I figured with modern science he could maybe just do blood work ) The funny thing is that the doctor informed me if the tests come back positive- the government will be contacting me. I'm not sure why but Donald now swears he will wake up to long plastic tube like hallways in his home. Here's the kicker though - I still need the treatment (which thankfully is just a week of antibiotics) because 50% of the cases that are positive test negative. Gotta love modern medicine. If anyone knows of a good witch doctor -please let me know - something tells me with native american medicine I wouldn't have to use this stupid nebulizer I get to have now- although kind of think of it , it does resemble a peace pipe.
In other wonderful news, my company is having some economical difficulties so I am now a part time employee- at least for now. While the reduction in pay sucks, at least I can focus on the holidays a bit more and make all those homemade gifts that once screamed CHEAP but are now acceptable due to the economy.
That's the general update - now the Podunk daily - as you might have been able to tell we live in a slightly rural type community. I have found this to be evident lately on a few occasions. 1. I went to order Pizza for delivery and was told "We don't deliver on Friday nights" - did I miss something? Perhaps all the local teens that normally work go down to the holler on Friday nights or maybe there's some kind of redneck Pizza rule I don't know about - all I know is if you get hungry for pizza on Friday nights - prepare to drive.
2. We attended a bonfire last weekend in my neighbor's yard ( yes next door - bonfire) where we roasted hot dogs on sticks and she handed down her sage advice to me once again about country living "if a snake gets stuck in a mouse trap -use peanut butter".... okaaaaay...........I didn't ask - I really couldn't bring myself to . I didn't want to appear stupid but all night I kept thinking - Do you lube the snake with peanut butter to get it out? Do I use it as a lure and if so should I offer it jelly too ? These are questions I hope I never have answered
3.
My latest clue to the fact that I live among rednecks happened today . We are having some washer issues that involve septic and things I'd rather not know about ( I just want the thang thing done fixed) Because of those issues , my husband came home and we had to haul our laundry - all 500lbs of it - to the laundromat. I obviously was not ahppy about having to do this but then I saw the sign that made it all worth it -There displayed prominently was a pretty printed sign on the wall that read: PLEASE DO NOT WASH HORSE BLANKETS ( complete with a picture of a horse with the circle slash mark across it) Talk about overloading a washer. Yes folks we live in the country.
Finally we need to discuss the election. We who live in the sticks are not ignorant to what is happening in the world and even our children have been involved in all the election talks. Hailey in her infinite wisdom of 5 explained it all to Donald the other night - "Daddy - did you know that Rock Obama won the election? It's not fair I wanted the Pajama King ( say it fast people ) to win! Hailey, apparently you are not alone
Yes true to the Shearer/McGorvin names I bear - I have once again got something unusual. My doctor did one of those very sophisticated tests where he stuffed a two ft swabby stick up my nose and touched my throat. Supposedly that's the Whooping Cough test and we now wait for the cultures. ( stupid me I figured with modern science he could maybe just do blood work ) The funny thing is that the doctor informed me if the tests come back positive- the government will be contacting me. I'm not sure why but Donald now swears he will wake up to long plastic tube like hallways in his home. Here's the kicker though - I still need the treatment (which thankfully is just a week of antibiotics) because 50% of the cases that are positive test negative. Gotta love modern medicine. If anyone knows of a good witch doctor -please let me know - something tells me with native american medicine I wouldn't have to use this stupid nebulizer I get to have now- although kind of think of it , it does resemble a peace pipe.
In other wonderful news, my company is having some economical difficulties so I am now a part time employee- at least for now. While the reduction in pay sucks, at least I can focus on the holidays a bit more and make all those homemade gifts that once screamed CHEAP but are now acceptable due to the economy.
That's the general update - now the Podunk daily - as you might have been able to tell we live in a slightly rural type community. I have found this to be evident lately on a few occasions. 1. I went to order Pizza for delivery and was told "We don't deliver on Friday nights" - did I miss something? Perhaps all the local teens that normally work go down to the holler on Friday nights or maybe there's some kind of redneck Pizza rule I don't know about - all I know is if you get hungry for pizza on Friday nights - prepare to drive.
2. We attended a bonfire last weekend in my neighbor's yard ( yes next door - bonfire) where we roasted hot dogs on sticks and she handed down her sage advice to me once again about country living "if a snake gets stuck in a mouse trap -use peanut butter".... okaaaaay...........I didn't ask - I really couldn't bring myself to . I didn't want to appear stupid but all night I kept thinking - Do you lube the snake with peanut butter to get it out? Do I use it as a lure and if so should I offer it jelly too ? These are questions I hope I never have answered
3.
My latest clue to the fact that I live among rednecks happened today . We are having some washer issues that involve septic and things I'd rather not know about ( I just want the thang thing done fixed) Because of those issues , my husband came home and we had to haul our laundry - all 500lbs of it - to the laundromat. I obviously was not ahppy about having to do this but then I saw the sign that made it all worth it -There displayed prominently was a pretty printed sign on the wall that read: PLEASE DO NOT WASH HORSE BLANKETS ( complete with a picture of a horse with the circle slash mark across it) Talk about overloading a washer. Yes folks we live in the country.
Finally we need to discuss the election. We who live in the sticks are not ignorant to what is happening in the world and even our children have been involved in all the election talks. Hailey in her infinite wisdom of 5 explained it all to Donald the other night - "Daddy - did you know that Rock Obama won the election? It's not fair I wanted the Pajama King ( say it fast people ) to win! Hailey, apparently you are not alone
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)